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Id like 2 vent a little about my personal experience with myself,, things i struggle with- and things i used to struggle with. I hope in this way- you may understand me a littl bit better,,,,, & it will make sense regarding the next sections of the hospital page i would like to add,,
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Please be cautious when reading,, Down below i am speaking on topics of body dysmorphia, disordered eating, self esteem issues, agoraphobia, & mre,,, I never want to trigger any1 or harm any1,,, i only wish to express myself on my personal website,,,
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Im not sure how to start this off,,, heavy subjects arent my bestest 2 talk about,,,
A few years ago i struggled with bulimia-- which is when i would eat foods & throw them back up 2 avoid weightgain,, I dont think i ever liked myself-- I was a very awkward little girl,, im not sure what made me that way? I was very self concious and thought i was the most ugliest creature on earth,,, but despite it all- i was gentle & kind-hearted.

I still believe im the most ugliest thing,, I suppose some things never go away.
I still dont like many people (including myself,,) im very reclusive and angry with the world,, i struggle with leaving the house and if it was up 2 me i would never leave my room at all,,,
Im paranoid around others- and very shy 2 speak,,, im antisocial & a shut-in,,, i suppose 2 sum it up,, im agoraphobic.

Often times,, i feel my heart inside of my chest-- & it hurts. I can feel myself turning colder,, i am no longer gentle and kind-hearted,,, i crave 2 destroy everything i find unfair,, i want to hurt those who have betrayed me,, I was a sweet girl,, but now i feel a certain darkness manifesting inside of my heart,, & it came from loneliness,, it came from being betrayed by those i trusted,, it came from being lied about & bullied,, aswell as constant years of being mentally tortured,,

but still,, throughout it all,, there is still a small whisper inside of me that constantly tugs on my heartstrings,,, & it doesnt say much,, it tells me that "tomorrow is a new day",,, & then i realize how unbearably long life is.
Im left with 2 choices,,, to do nothing and let this hurt consume me,,, or i can take my wounds and bandage them up so i dont bleed to death !

There is something beautiful in your suffering,, and it is not your weakness,, nor fragility,,, it is your ability to endure hardships & remain alive,, and if youre alive- You can still bloom.
Some days i spend suffering quietly,, wallowing in my mistery,, thinking it is too late to do anything about it & this is just the way i am,,, but in doing so- i must realize i am limiting myself.
There are so many things to do instead of focusing on your suffering, your trauma, every bad thing you have went through-- it doesnt make you who you are. it is not your personality. You must tell yourself that you can and will overcome this.

I went through alot growing up,, and i still constantly go through hell,,, suffering seems to be all i attract,,, but i will not let my sorrow pluck off my petals. I can not stand still and let my heart break,, i cannot let these bruises continue to grow,,, i will make a life that is beautiful,, i will make my life have more meaning than the darkness iv created,,

I will no longer be channeling my energy on being sick,, iv made my trauma my personality for so long-- iv romanticized it-- turned it beautiful,,, but the truth is- no matter how many ribbons i plaster on a bruised leg,, & no matter how many stickers i put around my scars-- i suffered ugly. i sat on the bathroom floor with puke inbetween my teeth, iv laid down in a bed with fresh blood on it, too lazy to get up and clean anything. Iv let myself rot for many years, iv killed the beauty of my soul. Iv killed the beauty of my body- all too find the superficial beauty in my sickness,,,

Your sickness does not make you beautiful. Your survival from it does.

I will make my life lovely,, simple and lovely,,, but i will not let the things i went through be a noose around my neck for any longer. I am a flower stuck in the dirt,, the rain is all the hardships i had to endure,, & through the pain- I will blossom.

it's going to be hard,, a flower cant bloom overnight ofcourse,, but im willing to do what it takes to even slightly feel the breeze in my petals again,,, there are many things that i'd like to do,, im overwhelmed in a really good way,,, see u soon,, & thanxs for readin' ♡ Thats All'